There are so many indignities of growing old and most aren’t even related to cancer. The challenge is: 1) to make the best of them; 2) to continue to find humor whenever you can and; 3) to keep most of them to yourself, because most people really don’t want to hear about the changes in your bodily functions, especially your children.

So let’s just say that surgery plus a week’s worth of pain killers comes with side effects that tend to be a pain in the ___. I tried outsmarting the system by eating very lightly for a few days prior to surgery and mostly liquids the day before. It sort of worked, but in the end you can’t get around mother nature.

I did, however, indulge in one purchase prior to my surgery that has made me a very happy camper today: a bidet. (Google it if you have no idea what I’m talking about. I’m not going to explain it.) All I’ve got to say is that the French are brilliant and I can’t figure out how we Americans have missed out on this amazing invention. So many lovely things have come from the French, how did we miss this one?

Mine is an attachment to a normal commode with adjustable controls on the side for hot/cold and water pressure. There was a small learning curve in getting all the adjustments just right and a few funny incidences while I learned (fortunately all pre-surgery when I could still move fast.)

We are hoping it’s awhile before Kellen discovers it. But if you stop by and need to use the “facilities”, be warned: I’ll be waiting for the sound of running water and laughter.

In the meantime, take my word for it and go buy yourself a real treat (Home Depot, Brondell, $60) especially if you are past middle-age and, eh-hem, things just aren’t working as well as they used to. You’ll thank me for it.

P.S. I really wanted to write this in the form of a poem, not prose. Old, commode and ode all rhyme nicely, as does français and bidet. If someone else takes on the challenge, I’m sure we can come up with a reward for the best poem or haiku.